Tuesday, January 02, 2018

Blessing For The New Year

Beannacht: A Blessing for the New Year
“On the day when
The weight deadens
On your shoulders
And you stumble,
May the clay dance
To balance you.

And when your eyes
Freeze behind
The grey window
And the ghost of loss
Gets in to you,
May a flock of colours,
Indigo, red, green,
And azure blue,
Come to awaken in you
A meadow of delight.
When the canvas frays
In the currach of thought
And a stain of ocean
Blackens beneath you,
May there come across the waters
A path of yellow moonlight
To bring you safely home.
May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
May the clarity of light be yours,
May the fluency of the ocean be yours,
May the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
Wind work these words
Of love around you,
An invisible cloak
To mind your life.”
~John O'Donohue

Friday, December 29, 2017

Smiling Faces, Part 2

So, as if the previous experience was not enough, there is actually a second part to this adventure.  The second part is that Jack and I are divorced.  It was final this month.  Now, normally, even I would not write much about this, but I am going to some for several reasons.  To you who do not know me in real life, this post probably won't make a lot of sense.  And that's fine.  I'm writing this for myself, to just get this off my chest and I wanted to do it before the end of the year.  Because after the first, the New Year, there will be no more negativity in my life.  Nothing.  I will  not tolerate anything anymore and that includes from myself.  I also am writing this just to have my say.  Jack has had his say for the past 2 years...whatever he wanted, knowing that I would have no recourse.  Well, for what it's worth, this is mine.  I am under no delusions that this is going to make any difference to anyone but myself.  He has misquoted, misrepresented and maligned me to the point that most no one is going to pay any attention.  But that's fine.  I know the truth and Jack does too, if he is honest with himself.  There are just a few points I want to make about a few certain things that I believe Jack has mislead everyone on.  The core reason for our divorce goes way, way beyond much mentioned here and is waaaaaayy worse than these few items, but that is between me and him.  This post may come off as angry and include a lot of foul language.  Well, I am angry but it is directed towards Jack only and he knows it and he knows why.  The humiliation and hurt that I have endured over the last few years is going to take me a long time to get over.  He and I have discussed this. There is nothing here that I have not said to his face.

1.  First and foremost,  I NEVER just woke up one morning in September and just out of the blue, decided I wanted a divorce "so I could have my solitude".  That is a steaming load of shit.  This has been going on for over 2 years.  John can tell you, if he will, that Jack has been running down there for at least 1 1/2 years telling John we were getting divorced.  The reason Jack doesn't mention that? Because that's when HE wanted the divorce.  When he saw he could not manipulate me with that threat anymore, he suddenly didn't want a divorce, but I did.  I've been actively campaigning for a divorce and telling him he needed to find another place to live since Easter!  HE waited until it was almost cold weather before getting out. He also didn't want to leave because he was afraid somebody might think he was dumping me because I finally got a diagnosis.  I said, fucking hell...because of what all else you've said or worded things, no one even believes I'm sick with anything anyway.  They'll be glad you're getting away from me.  More about this later.

 2.  I never, ever, ever wanted to go on a beach trip and marketing my pottery along the coast instead of going to Terry's funeral.  That was ALL Jack's idea and I was beyond mortified that he kept pushing it.  I kinda went along at one point in an effort to shut him up but that doesn't work. I realize that he meant well to me but he doesn't realize how stuff like that looks.  How it made me look.

3. I never, ever diagnosed myself with Parkinson's or anything else.  How the hell could you even do that anyway.?  I don't know what kind of doctors people have elsewhere but here in Birmingham, they don't play that shit.  You're not going to get a false diagnosis unless it an honest mistake.  I consulted 3 neurologists in an effort for one of them to tell me I DIDN'T have it, not to find one who would.  You cannot fake pain like this. Why am I mentioning this?  Because I saw the email where he said I decided myself I had it and I saw the email response saying I was faking having any illness. (He got upset when he got that reply and quickly deleted it but I had already seen it.  Then told me no one replied).  Jack doesn't realize my eyesight is better than his when he opens emails in front of me.  He had asked me to give him details about my diagnosis because he wanted to email everyone.  I said just write an email and then I'll read it and tell you whether what you are saying is accurate.  He said, No.  I said 'why not?'  He says..' because I don't want you to see what I'm actually going to tell them.'  I was like, wtf?  I don't know that he actually meant for the email he ended up sending to sound like it did; that I had just decided I had PD, but it sure came off sounding that way and one person took it that way.  I really don't know which came first, but I have enough information to believe that it was already the consensus amongst some that I've been faking health issues all along. 

I have x-rays, tests results, blood work and all kinds of stuff to unequivocally prove I have Klippel-Feil (I can't fake my vertebrae being fused together either.) and the food/ mold allergies.  Unfortunately, there is no blood work to diagnose Parkinson's but you know what.?  I don't give a damn.  I don't have to prove anything to anyone.  The amount of pain I endure 24 hours a day, every day excludes me from giving a holy flying fuck anymore if someone doesn't agree.

4.  I'm fucking sick of him calling me every name in the book, both behind my back and to my face, simply because I don't agree with him and these imbecilic, misogynistic, hateful, disturbing blogs and pundits he obsesses over.  And yes, once again, I saw the email calling me a 'typical, stupid liberal' and that "I never tell him anything anymore". ( I even saved a copy of it) Here's a hint: when your memory gets as bad as Jack's, you need to be real careful what email exchanges you forward to your wife, when you are trash talking her in this exchange.  And I don't tell him stuff anymore because I finally saw it was useless.  He always has his head stuck in that computer or Kindle to the point the dog could have run through the house in flames and he would never have noticed.  I was even less interesting to him.  I'm sick of being told I'm stupid and "can't think logically because I'm a woman".  Here's my take.  If a person feels the frequent need to call their spouse every horrible thing they can think of (and "liberal" is the worst insult in the world to Jack) and to continually hide things and deceive their spouse from the beginning, this person probably has no business being married to begin with.  I asked him why he would call me names like that and he said, :"well, I must have just been in a bad mood that day..."  Well, that don't cut it.  You don't call someone you are supposed to love things like that.

5. I've got emails, photos, copies of receipts, all kinds of stuff to prove what I'm saying is true.  He blew thousands of dollars on the stupidest crap you can imagine (and hiding what he did) and then blamed it on me.  Yes, he did help me a lot but he has wasted huge amounts of money on compulsive buying.  Jack's main MO was to secure a place for John to inherit.  He was never interested in me as a wife.  I was a shortcut to him getting this for John.  He flat out told me he wanted as much of my estate as possible to go to John and his grandkids.  THAT was his motivation here.  He did not want it for himself, that's true.  But whenever there was talk of divorce or whatever, his fear of John losing this as an inheritance was his big issue.  Not him losing me.  Not that he loved me.  It was "I was going to renig on agreeing to leave this to John."  Now, I got no problem with John and his family.  Always good to me and I personally don't think John give a shit one way or another if he inherited anything.  But Jack is obsessed with that.

There are just a hundred more things and some stuff I'll take to my grave, but I have just had it.  I can't take that kind of crap anymore.   As my Mama has always said, there just ain't no use in that. I don't care how hard it is. I don't care if I have to eat dirt.  I don't have to put up with that kind of hatefulness anymore.  I can live in peace.  Oh, yeah....I can assure you...I do NOT have "another man lined up to move in here".  I guarantee you this...another man moving into this house will be the last thing you ever see.  Secondly, if Susan wants her camera back, I will gladly ship it back with my sincere gratitude in getting to use it what I did. I just do not want any hard feelings or regrets there and I know due to the spin put on things, there are hard feelings against me because they think I've "robbed" Jack of so much.  I don't want anything someone doesn't want me to have.

Despite all this...I will still help Jack build his little house, just like I got him a wall propane heater for his place, and a crockpot and several other items..  I know he talks trash about me and then comes down and stays the weekend and washes his clothes and I cut his hair..  I'm not dumb.  But it's okay; I don't mind him staying here some even though I know he will not admit it to his family..  He stayed here Christmas Eve and Christmas Day but wouldn't admit it to anyone.  Mary called Christmas night but he wouldn't answer his phone cuz he didn't want to admit where he was. I asked him why he wouldn't answer. "well, Mary gets all upset"  I said well hell yeah!  You tell them all kinds of crap about me and then don't want to deal with it when they don't understand why you are still coming around.  You tell me why else someone would not admit where they are, deny they are staying at my house with me, for any other reason other than they have made me out to be such a horrible person that their family would not understand why they are still coming around me?  See, that's the problem when you start lying about a person....you have to keep lying.  If I'm wrong about this...someone tell me why Mary would unfriend and block me on FB right after Christmas when I've had no contact with her.?  Why would John and Jen completely stop even acknowledging me on Christmas since last year?  Why would they react this way when I've said nothing to them and thought things were fine? And to top it all off....he then throws a hissy fit when his family reacts badly towards me but he's been telling them all kinds of crap and it's to be expected!  I told him, you can't go around saying all this stuff, making everything out to be my fault, and not expect some consequences.  He wants to be able to tell one group one thing and then tell me another (to get sympathy from both sides), and then gets pissed when someone calls him on it.

Yes, he has helped me a lot, and even defended me at times, but you cannot have a relationship if you are not going to be honest and go around behind your spouse's back.  He wouldn't tell me the truth when we were married and he won't now...and then gets mad when I find out or try to stand up for myself.
I've just had it, had it, had it.  No more.  My life is too short now for that kind of bullshit.  People want to think I'm crazy or mean...Go ahead!!  Weeeeeeeee!!  I'm batshit crazy!!!  Weeeeee!!! I do not care anymore.  As long as I'm free of all his bullshit, name-calling, and gaslighting I don't care. I'm not going to live like that.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Smiling Faces

So, I'm gonna try to explain a few tings that have been going on lately and I have other reasons for posting this also, as I'll also explain.  Due to the nature of things I want a public record of what is going on for my own security.  Now, this is concerning the next to last post I made where I mentioned a former friend that I was trying to help and that it had turned into a possibly dangerous situation.  I mentioned several posts back that a certain elderly neighbor, that I have know for a long time and written about many times here on this blog, had a significant stroke and I had been helping him every morning, along with Allen helping him.  In fact, Allen and I have waited on this guy hand and foot for the last 13 years since his family mostly has nothing to do with him.  The last few years it's mostly been Allen, due to my health problems, but he didn't need a lot of intense help until this stroke.  So, after 2 months or more of helping this guy, washing his butt when he couldn't bathe himself, feeding him, cooking for him and all kinds of other stuff, he actually made a significant recovery.  He's able to cook and feed himself, take a shower etc.  So, one day when I'm up there helping tidy up and stuff, he starts asking me all kinds of questions about my oldest brother; the brother that many of you long-time readers know committed suicide.  So, I was baffled as to why he was asking about him but I answered the questions; yes, Jerry died while we were sharing an apartment (but did not die in the apartment).  Yes, Jerry left his possessions to me...which we had to mostly sell to pay for his funeral etc.  So, then this old fart says, "well, that was all pretty convenient for you!" and proceeds to tell me I killed my brother... Now, I don't think I have to explain how hideous a thing that is to say to someone that has survived the suicide of someone they love dearly.  That was 24 years ago and I've learned to live with his death but that's a scab that is very easily knocked off.  I was so horrified and shocked at what he was saying that I just freaked out and left quickly.  It has upset me to no end.  I can't even begin to describe the horrible emotions that drags up. Then, the next day Neighbor PsychoPants tells Allen that, not only did I kill my brother (to get a few boxes of china and knickknacks), but that I am trying to kill him, so that I can steal all his stuff.  In fact, he is so convinced (delusional), that he made Allen take him down to his pharmacy 3 different times so he can show his prescription meds to the pharmacist in hopes that the druggist would tell him that yes, his drugs had been tampered with.  Of course, they had not and one pill that he was just SURE was a poison turned out to be an OTC stool softener that he had bought himself.  I'm sure the pharmacist got a good laugh out of that.  But this doesn't stop him.  He has been going around telling other folks in town that I am trying to kill him and/ or I am stealing his stuff, I am robbing him and so on.  This to the point that the one woman that's brave enough to go in his house actually "friended" me on Facebook, so she could spy on me I guess.  He can't see what I do there and she sent me the request immediately after visiting him, so I know he put her up to it.  Of course I accepted the request just to let her see that I'm NOT doing anything.  (I sell some stuff I make etc. on FB and he's convinced that I'm selling his stuff that I steal).  Like I'd be that stupid.
Now, I understand that PsychoPants is emotionally unstable, mentally deranged, whatever you want to say.  He has been a serious hoarder all his life, so that right there shows he has mental problems.  The stroke and his uncontrolled diabetes has further affected his mind.  A MRI done right after his stroke showed huge swelling or a mass on his brain that the doctors later said was nothing...Ugh yeah.  However, his ability and understanding to hide this behavior around most people or certain people shows me that he knows what he is doing to a certain extent.  A truly crazy person is crazy all the time.  They don't know to hide it.  He does know and knows very well how to appear to be the poor little, frail elderly man that everyone ignores.  Well, we found out why his family never has anything to do with him.  He has accused all of them of all the same things.  And in my opinion...a person doesn't think up hideous shit like this unless they have thought it or done it themselves...

So, here's why I am writing about this.  He has gone around telling folks in this town a bunch of lies that I am stealing from him, trying to kill him etc.  Now, I know a lot of folks would just write it off to dementia or so and tell me to do the same.  BUT, a lot of folks would not.  People these days will believe anything under the right circumstances.  A couple of hours on Facebook will prove that.  I don't know what people are believing or not but I do know that some local folks do read this blog and I want a public record of what really has transpired and that I have totally cut out any contact with this person in an effort to protect myself.  Even if he called me to come help him, I could not safely do so for fear that he could/ would call the police once I got there and say I was assaulting him or something.  He is that mean and hateful. I have given back all my keys, blocked him on Facebook, I have no contact with him, I do not go over there.. nothing.. and I want that known.  He has threatened several times to call the police and I have no idea what he is going to do from one day to the next.  Of course, he has absolutely no proof because I have not been doing anything but that doesn't matter to him.  He says the cops should believe what he says just because he says it.  Now, yes, I know most police could tell after a few minutes that he has dementia and stuff but it still scares me.  He is extremely hateful and is SO obsessed with his garbage and stuff that he actually thinks someone would want it.  He is your typical hoarder whose house is filled with junk, basically.  To the point it is deteriorating and rats, exposure, neglect, snakes and a whole bunch of other stuff has rendered most things in his house to be worthless, rotted crap.  There's nothing there that anyone would want.

So, I don't know what else to do.  He went on another tirade today telling Allen that I was breaking into his house while he was gone and threatening to call the cops. Turns out I was also gone during that time period delivering some shelves and doing some carpenter work for some friends.  I've done everything I can to stay as far away from him as I can but I basically still live "next door" to him, although it's about a quarter mile.  I don't know what else to do to prove or make a record that I have no contact with him and never want to again.  I am keeping a journal of sorts on days he goes nuts and what I was doing that day etc.  Other than that and this...I don't know what else to do to protect myself.

So, that's Part 1.  Part 2 will come a little later.  Ha!

Monday, December 04, 2017

Chicken Time

Okay, I'm gonna do some shameless self-promotion here!!  If you are so inclined, please follow the link I'm going to share and purchase your very own 1st Annual Girls of Dragon Valley Calendar!!! Brought to you by popular demand on Facebook.  I think you'll enjoy it.  I told the girls that if they are not going to lay many eggs....they gonna have to make me some money some other way!
Seriously, I very much appreciate any purchases and I think you'll be pleased with the quality of these calendars.  I've used Lulu for a few years now and they make a good product.  Order now and you can be assured of getting them before Christmas!!  These would make a great gift for any chicken fan and you'll be supporting a small business of someone you know, instead of helping some CEO purchase his 5th house.  Thank you!! 


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Friday, December 01, 2017

The Beat Goes On

I just wanted to make a quick post to let everyone know that I am doing okay; pretty well actually, and will post a more in-depth update and explanation soon.  Things are changing quite a lot here and I've been busy.  I will say that I have had to deal with a potentially dangerous-to-me situation with a person that I really thought was a friend and I was genuinely trying to help, but who has turned out to be mentally unstable.  I am totally free of this situation now though and doing well.  Such things are very upsetting though and I do not have a lot of areas in which to express my frustration.
There are several  other situations going on also and I'll explain later.  Many thanks to those that emailed or called to check on me.  I am not trying to be vague or melodramatic but there are potential legal issues that I want to be cautious of.

A friend sent me this little meme that I thought was just hilarious and very appropriate to a lot of how I feel about now. lol!  I'll see ya'll soon.  Take care.

Friday, November 17, 2017


All I'm gonna say is just, God give me patience and strength.  All I want is just to live in peace and be left alone.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

All You Can Carry

 Boy, time just flies by here like lightning!  Just about the time I thought I might have more to post about, Life throws a monkey wench in it all.  About 3 weeks ago, Fred (my elderly neighbor) had a small stroke and Allen and I have been very busy since taking care of him.  I take mornings up until about noon and Allen takes over from there. Of course, it varies and some days I end up going up there well into the night.  But then it's reversed some days too.  Fred is doing better but still needs help with some meals, washing dishes and laundry and taking to doctor's appointments.  Some days I don't have to do too much but then some days (like today) I was up there for quite a while.  I don't know if I ever mentioned it on this blog before, but Fred is also a notorious hoarder.  Something that afflicts many folks these days.  Allen has asthma and I have bad allergies, so it's a struggle for the both of us to say the least.  We've kinda made a dent in the worst of the filth though, so it's slightly better now.  Well, rats don't jump out of the kitchen drawers at you anymore, I'll say that.

So, I am still trying to get more into doing my art and have actually opened an Etsy shop.  It's small now but I hope to add more soon.  I've included a few photos of some fun little things I've done lately.  Now, these are not any kind of high art and I don't pretend for them to be.  It's just something fun that I've enjoyed doing.  And it helps me practice with the idea of taking random scrap and making them into totally unrelated objects.  They are very much like puzzles and it helps my brain and thinking processes.

 Finding these old vintage cheese graters is actually quite a challenge nowadays.  I've managed to locate a few.

I really like the big dragonfly.  Most people show these hanging on walls (like on Pinterest) but I like mine standing on legs!  I don't know....makes him seem more ready to fly away or something. Ha! I like his little curled up feeties too.  Did you know that a real dragon fly cannot walk?  Their legs are only for standing and grabbing.  They can't actually move them in a walking motion.

Before Fred had his stroke I had also managed to do a bit more work on the kitchen, running all the backsplash tile and pouring the last bar top counter top.  I'll try to post photos of that soon.  I looks great. 
I've been keeping up my running and exercising but have not entered any more 5Ks.  I hope to do that but they've either been too far away, too expensive or in the morning and my mornings are spent with Fred now.  At any rate, I need to do the running and exercising no matter what.  I've been doing a lot of yard work also.  Since switching to the Sinemet I have been feeling better for the most part, although I still have a bad day every so often and I still have issues with driving very far. One great thing is that my right shoulder has started to loosen up!  I've been to the Doc about it and he said it was "frozen shoulder", which happens with some Parkinson's folks (and others as well), and it had gotten pretty bad.  I really had a lot of trouble showering, washing my hair etc.  But since starting on the Sinemet it's slowly loosening up and today I was actually able to do 3 sets of tricep dips in my workout!!  Yay!! something I've not been able to do in a very long time.  Unfortunately, I've been quite tired since I've been helping Fred out so much and my tremors are noticeably worse on some days.  If I get tired or upset they start up real bad and that's been an issue but hopefully things will improve and I can get a little more rest.

I will try to post again soon but ya'll know I say that every time and then never manage to! ha!